My Challenge

After a great conversation with my older sister the other day, I hung up the phone feeling peace and strength.  Although I still have quite the journey ahead of me in certain areas of my life...I have come a long way from the many flaws that I can now consider my past.  These flaws are no longer intimidating boulders blocking my view, but have been chiseled down to stepping stones on my path towards my future. I am comforted in this realization, I have a taste of peace.  For me, peace has often been a touchy word and feeling. I have always struggled to be at peace with myself, my decisions.  I tend to create the battle between thinking with my heart and thinking with my head.  In certain aspects of my personality, I am very much black or white, there is little gray with me.  I am on one end of the spectrum or on the complete opposite end.  For the most part, you will rarely find me straddling the fence.  When I love, I love big or not at all, if I trust you, it's 100% or not at all.  Kinda all or nothing with me, which as you can imagine, is nothing more than a beautifully wrapped present, when opened you find only a bomb with the word PROBLEM written all over it.  I am a firm believer that everything in life needs to have balance.  Emotion is one balancing act I have yet to perfect.  Thankfully I have good people in my life to give me their opinions when I need it and support me in whatever decision I make.  At the end of the day... I have to make the decision that lets me sleep at night. I have to be at peace with my decision or it will eat at me. I will analyze the shit out of it to the point I could earn myself a one-way trip to the local looney-bin.  I noticed that sometimes the decision that brings me peace isn't necessarily the "right" decision, but knowing myself well enough, it's the decision I'm willing to make regardless of the outcome. Obviously my way of doing things has back-fired on me several times, but I've been able to recover and avoid resentment because in the end, I did what I knew I needed to, to feel okay about my part in the situation.

In our phone call, the topic came up about a time that my family was feeling defeated by me and my actions.  They were at a crossroads with me, they didn't know whether letting me go was the best thing for ME or if they should continue to white-knuckle it and fight for me.  I remembered back to how black that period of my life was.  How I had isolated and detached myself from those that loved me most. I was more guarded and angry than I remember ever being.  I could twist, turn, manipulate any situation into making it them, their fault.  I remember the look in my father's eyes when I spitefully told him that "God messed up.  I was not meant to be in this family.  I don't belong with you guys. I'm nothing like any of you".  It was definitely one of my worst moments, not my only verbal regret, but one I will remember.  After all the disappointing, hurtful things I have done, my family has never given up on me.  I am very blessed that they knew I was someone WORTH hanging onto.  That I was worth fighting for and continued to try to save me from myself.  I would not be the mother, the daughter, the sister I am today, if it wasn't for this experience. So for that, I would like to publicly and openly express my gratitude for my family.  There is an undeniable truth in the strength and power that comes from family.  I am lucky to be a part of my family, they are the family I was meant to be with and I do belong.

Each of us is so very different, that is what makes our family what it is.  We all bring our individual flaws and our individual strengths.  My father is the definition of HONOR.  His word truly is his bond.  He will give you everything he can and then more.  My mother is my definition of strength, endurance, love and guidance.  She knows when to listen and when to speak.  She knows when to stand strong and when to cry with you.  My oldest sister is my definition of innocence.  She is unique in her thoughts and her heart.  She has the ability to see the good in all people.  I envy that at times.  My older sister, the word that first comes to mind is everything.  She can make you laugh until you cry, she is the jokester and prankster of our family. She is compassion, she can touch your heart when you didn't know you needed it, she can lift you up when you have fallen to your lowest, she can speak and give you strength, she empowers you, she encourages you. Her heart and intentions are pure and real. Of course I can't leave out our little brother, our 16 year old dog Forrest.  He is the son and brother, we never had. He has gotten all of us through our toughest times.  He knows when you need him, he lays by you and doesn't leave your side until you are better.  Then there is me... I always joke that I am the EXAMPLE, everyone's example of what NOT to do. I do have to admit though, we have all had some pretty good laughs at a few of my "crazy life" stories. I can't say there is one specific person to pin-point as the rock of our family.  We are more like a puzzle, in the box holds many different and unique pieces.  As we each bring our individual pieces together, we join and begin to form our picture... if one piece is missing, the masterpiece is flawed and incomplete. We are complete once every piece is securely fitted in it's proper place.

Again, thank you to all my family that endured with me, fought for me.  Sometimes it took one person in front to lead me, one person behind me pushing me, and one person on each side of me, holding my hand to guide me, and always my guardian angel/grandfather above me, giving strength to us all.  I couldn't tell you where I would be today if they hadn't seen my worth when I couldn't, nor do I want to know.  But I do know I am blessed to be where I am today. (THANK YOU!)

As I look back, I see many friends that haven't given up on me as well.  Although I tried, they didn't let me push them away and managed to fight their way to my heart.  I see a few faces of the ones that have let me go. I believe that they had to set their own boundaries and let me go. Because of my fears, walls and distrust in people, I in turn wasn't valuing their friendship and what they genuinely had to offer.   I see the many faces I so easily walked away from.  People that once I felt they betrayed me, I cut them out of my life.  Friendships I ended when maybe I should have taken more time to determine their worth.  I definitely want to take this realization as an opportunity to challenge myself.  To value more the friends that hung in there with me, to reach out to the ones that let me go as well as the ones that maybe I shouldn't have let go.  This will be a difficult challenge as I am from a family of Scottish (not Irish ha ha) Red-Headed women... STUBBORN has been passed down through each generation of women.  But it's a challenge I am willing to take on.  I also challenge myself to make a better effort to accept that people will let me down, they will disappoint me, that is life, it doesn't mean I have to immediately cut them out of my life.  Just as I am FAR from perfect and full of flaws, but hope that my true friends can see past that and see the genuine huge heart that is me, I need to be less of a hypocrite, more forgiving, and more open to view others as I'd like to be seen.  I will challenge to find some sort of balance with it all...Again, this will be a big challenge, but if you know me, I rarely back down from a challenge. :)