AFRAID

So I have typed and deleted for about an hour now! I'm new to this blogging thing and had no idea what to write. It's definitely an eye-opener realizing how uncomfortable and vulnerable I am expressing myself. I would say that I'm pretty open about most things in my life. I joke and express myself with friends on Facebook about my day, embarrassing moments, mom and daughter experiences, etc. I'm fine making people laugh, but when it comes to the "real" Janni, the one that is full of emotion, love, fears, insecurities, dreams, hopes, sadness and regrets, that side of me is only shared with and seen by a select few.

I questioned if that made me a fake person or just emotionally smart. I began to replay past experiences in my head, going back to different ages and time-lines, seeing the different faces of family, friends, lovers that have co-starred in my life movie. As I watched this film in my head, negativity began to creep in. I saw the lower points of my life, the mistakes, the betrayals, the trials, the heartaches, the chaos, the craziness.  My heart began to beat faster and I felt a rush of anxiety. Normally I would shut off this movie, flip the switch of emotion and distract myself with something else. But for some reason, I allowed my mind to continue on. As the images crept toward happy memories of the different faces that were no longer a part of my life, my knee-jerk reaction was to shut those memories off as well, and then it hit me. I haven't let myself visit the good moments I shared with each of these faces for a very long time. Why??? Because they didn't have the ending that I wanted??? I wondered why I hadn't kept the good memories with me and just let go of the bad, so I dug a little deeper. I came to understand that it has always been easier for me to delete people from my life, go on as if they never existed, becoming nothing but another random stranger on the street, than to pick what feelings and memories I want to keep, and which ones to let go.  I try not to harbor any negative feelings for people or situations, most times I have the "it is what it is" mentality to avoid building resentment.  But I would say that in each situation, I've tried to be mature enough to take the time to figure out why each person came into my life, what lesson could I learn from it and where my mistakes were in each experience.  Now this isn't the first time I've realized these things about myself, but I guess this time it hit me harder.  I see that it's become a repetitive realization. Before, I saw it as a flaw that I should work on, yet over time it's become a flaw that I have accepted about myself and in some ways expected others to accept it about me as well.  An "I am who I am, take it or leave it" mentality.  But when we quit working on ourselves, towards a better us, we quit progressing all together.

So why have I just accepted this about myself? When did I switch lanes from wanting to improve my flaw to merging it into my character of who I am?  I guess it began as my daughter became older, saw the ups and downs of our life.  I have always felt I needed to be my daughter's example and definition of a strong woman.  A woman that will run, walk, skip, or crawl through any situation and come out standing at the end, a survivor of any circumstance.  As much as I always tried to maintain a smile on my face for her, I tried harder to never let her see me cry.  She needed to see a strong mother, a happy mother, and if I couldn't be that at the moment, I was going to fake it 'til I made it.  I have spent so many years stuffing and hiding sad memories into my Pandora's Box because I was worried that if I let myself feel these painful emotions, I wouldn't be strong enough to recover. Not willing to risk it, I put on my emotional armor, my mask, and carried on.

Last night I allowed my "survivor" walls to come down for a moment and looked at myself in more depth than I ever have.  Now I don't know if all this is coming because of the typical "beginning of a new year" mentality, reflecting back at the previous year's failures, wanting to improve the year ahead of me.  Maybe it's just another point in life that I need to pause and regroup. Instead of accepting long standing flaws as current character, take the opportunity and the challenge to work toward improvement.  Maybe it's from coming across a file with some of my writings, poems, letters, thoughts, scribble that I have written over the years.  I can count on my right hand the number of people I have actually shared any of these with.  Of these people, I realized there is not one person that I have shared EVERYTHING with.  I pick and choose who sees what, which seems to be a pattern in my daily life.  I feel so vulnerable when it comes to emotions, and I allow very few to see.  I've spent so much time and energy guarding myself from those that are not in my chosen circle.  Guarded is how I've defined myself.  Protecting the emotional place I feel comfortable in, ready to challenge anything that threatens it.


I can't help but remember back to younger years, smile at how perfectly innocent my faith and trust in people was.  Although I wouldn't take back any of my experiences, good or bad, as each experience truly has made me who I am... beautifully flawed, wouldn't it be wonderful to feel that perfect innocence once again?

As it's a new year... I find myself optimistic and excited to explore, search, and find the Janni of 2011.  I believe this just might be the first step in my journey...