My Challenge

After a great conversation with my older sister the other day, I hung up the phone feeling peace and strength.  Although I still have quite the journey ahead of me in certain areas of my life...I have come a long way from the many flaws that I can now consider my past.  These flaws are no longer intimidating boulders blocking my view, but have been chiseled down to stepping stones on my path towards my future. I am comforted in this realization, I have a taste of peace.  For me, peace has often been a touchy word and feeling. I have always struggled to be at peace with myself, my decisions.  I tend to create the battle between thinking with my heart and thinking with my head.  In certain aspects of my personality, I am very much black or white, there is little gray with me.  I am on one end of the spectrum or on the complete opposite end.  For the most part, you will rarely find me straddling the fence.  When I love, I love big or not at all, if I trust you, it's 100% or not at all.  Kinda all or nothing with me, which as you can imagine, is nothing more than a beautifully wrapped present, when opened you find only a bomb with the word PROBLEM written all over it.  I am a firm believer that everything in life needs to have balance.  Emotion is one balancing act I have yet to perfect.  Thankfully I have good people in my life to give me their opinions when I need it and support me in whatever decision I make.  At the end of the day... I have to make the decision that lets me sleep at night. I have to be at peace with my decision or it will eat at me. I will analyze the shit out of it to the point I could earn myself a one-way trip to the local looney-bin.  I noticed that sometimes the decision that brings me peace isn't necessarily the "right" decision, but knowing myself well enough, it's the decision I'm willing to make regardless of the outcome. Obviously my way of doing things has back-fired on me several times, but I've been able to recover and avoid resentment because in the end, I did what I knew I needed to, to feel okay about my part in the situation.

In our phone call, the topic came up about a time that my family was feeling defeated by me and my actions.  They were at a crossroads with me, they didn't know whether letting me go was the best thing for ME or if they should continue to white-knuckle it and fight for me.  I remembered back to how black that period of my life was.  How I had isolated and detached myself from those that loved me most. I was more guarded and angry than I remember ever being.  I could twist, turn, manipulate any situation into making it them, their fault.  I remember the look in my father's eyes when I spitefully told him that "God messed up.  I was not meant to be in this family.  I don't belong with you guys. I'm nothing like any of you".  It was definitely one of my worst moments, not my only verbal regret, but one I will remember.  After all the disappointing, hurtful things I have done, my family has never given up on me.  I am very blessed that they knew I was someone WORTH hanging onto.  That I was worth fighting for and continued to try to save me from myself.  I would not be the mother, the daughter, the sister I am today, if it wasn't for this experience. So for that, I would like to publicly and openly express my gratitude for my family.  There is an undeniable truth in the strength and power that comes from family.  I am lucky to be a part of my family, they are the family I was meant to be with and I do belong.

Each of us is so very different, that is what makes our family what it is.  We all bring our individual flaws and our individual strengths.  My father is the definition of HONOR.  His word truly is his bond.  He will give you everything he can and then more.  My mother is my definition of strength, endurance, love and guidance.  She knows when to listen and when to speak.  She knows when to stand strong and when to cry with you.  My oldest sister is my definition of innocence.  She is unique in her thoughts and her heart.  She has the ability to see the good in all people.  I envy that at times.  My older sister, the word that first comes to mind is everything.  She can make you laugh until you cry, she is the jokester and prankster of our family. She is compassion, she can touch your heart when you didn't know you needed it, she can lift you up when you have fallen to your lowest, she can speak and give you strength, she empowers you, she encourages you. Her heart and intentions are pure and real. Of course I can't leave out our little brother, our 16 year old dog Forrest.  He is the son and brother, we never had. He has gotten all of us through our toughest times.  He knows when you need him, he lays by you and doesn't leave your side until you are better.  Then there is me... I always joke that I am the EXAMPLE, everyone's example of what NOT to do. I do have to admit though, we have all had some pretty good laughs at a few of my "crazy life" stories. I can't say there is one specific person to pin-point as the rock of our family.  We are more like a puzzle, in the box holds many different and unique pieces.  As we each bring our individual pieces together, we join and begin to form our picture... if one piece is missing, the masterpiece is flawed and incomplete. We are complete once every piece is securely fitted in it's proper place.

Again, thank you to all my family that endured with me, fought for me.  Sometimes it took one person in front to lead me, one person behind me pushing me, and one person on each side of me, holding my hand to guide me, and always my guardian angel/grandfather above me, giving strength to us all.  I couldn't tell you where I would be today if they hadn't seen my worth when I couldn't, nor do I want to know.  But I do know I am blessed to be where I am today. (THANK YOU!)

As I look back, I see many friends that haven't given up on me as well.  Although I tried, they didn't let me push them away and managed to fight their way to my heart.  I see a few faces of the ones that have let me go. I believe that they had to set their own boundaries and let me go. Because of my fears, walls and distrust in people, I in turn wasn't valuing their friendship and what they genuinely had to offer.   I see the many faces I so easily walked away from.  People that once I felt they betrayed me, I cut them out of my life.  Friendships I ended when maybe I should have taken more time to determine their worth.  I definitely want to take this realization as an opportunity to challenge myself.  To value more the friends that hung in there with me, to reach out to the ones that let me go as well as the ones that maybe I shouldn't have let go.  This will be a difficult challenge as I am from a family of Scottish (not Irish ha ha) Red-Headed women... STUBBORN has been passed down through each generation of women.  But it's a challenge I am willing to take on.  I also challenge myself to make a better effort to accept that people will let me down, they will disappoint me, that is life, it doesn't mean I have to immediately cut them out of my life.  Just as I am FAR from perfect and full of flaws, but hope that my true friends can see past that and see the genuine huge heart that is me, I need to be less of a hypocrite, more forgiving, and more open to view others as I'd like to be seen.  I will challenge to find some sort of balance with it all...Again, this will be a big challenge, but if you know me, I rarely back down from a challenge. :)

Urban Bleu

As the weekend is approaching, I am excited to have the entire weekend off from my night job!  More excited that I am actually going to get out of my hermit shell Saturday night and go see one of my favorite bands URBAN BLEU.  Now if they can get me out of my house, you KNOW they have to be good! ha ha

I came across Urban Bleu on FaceBook being friends with Norma (their front-runner promoter and number one fan!!!) I had a Saturday night off and convinced my non-blues friends to accompany me in checking out this band.  I could tell that they weren't excited to go, but being good friends they supported and entertained me.  After about five minutes of listening, I noticed all of my friends' heads begin to bob to the beat of the bass, guitar and drums... once the harmonica was pulled out.... I knew I had them! :) By the end of the night my friends were yelling across the table how fun this band was and that they were glad I made them try something new.

Most Utahans hear BLUES and run for the hills, but don't let the name of the band scare you.  They are far from your typical blues band in suit and old-school hat, hence the name URBAN Bleu.  At first glance you're not sure what to expect, as each member brings their own personality and character to stage... but once they play, they hit you with a production of un-matched and incredible talent.  My first reaction was a smile and a "hell yeh".  From Aaron Robbie Fowler as lead vocals, guitar and harmonica, Django Lachlan as bass guitar and vocals, to Brent Christensen on drums... the trio comes together with unbelievable skill and talent that bulldozes it's way right to your soul! I would say they have perfected a mix of several genres... they keep to the root of blues, but add their own touch of rock, jazz, soul, and bad-ass-ness! (Yes I just made that a genre!) 

I had a chance a couple weeks ago to chat with these kats when they took a break from their first set. Quite honestly that's always my REAL test of a band... yeh maybe you can play but how are you 'in person' off stage... and let me just say... I was happily impressed! Super down-to-earth, chill, good peeps (did I just use the word "super"... ugh!). But I just love Norma, she makes the show fun.  To me, she is just as much a part of their show as they are. I look over occasionally and smile because you see how much she loves their music, which is somehow infectious!  

They had their cd for $5, so I took out a $5 bill from my crappy tips that night and haven't stopped listening to their music.  Right now, I would say my favorite song is "Lookin' Out My Window" and as I've now got my daughter hooked on them as well, her favorite is probably "Nothin' to Lose".  I love it, I look back in my rear-view mirror and see her jammin' to the beats and singing along to the words! She is her own mix of bad-ass-ness! ha ha

If you have a chance, check out their website, facebook, myspace, whatever floats yo' boat and come out on Saturday, January 22 to Green Pig Pub (31 East 400 South, Salt Lake City). Green Pig has great food, drinks and will be accompanied by my new favorite peeps... Urban Bleu. (If you are drinkin' make sure you have a D.D. or I will have to throat-punch you! K!) and come on, I'm actually getting out of my house, with people, come support Operation: Bring Janni Back! LOL!!!! Hope to see ya'll there! XO

A Change In Roles

Tonight I took another step towards improvement, not so much for myself, but in support of our situation.  I knew I was uncomfortable before we entered the room, but I wasn't prepared at all for what would happen.  I had prepared myself with an open mind, but it was my heart that unexpectedly opened.


When asked to share, I was caught off guard.  Years of emotion came pouring out of me.  I found myself uncomfortable and crying in front of strangers, faces I'd never seen before and didn't know if I'd ever see again.  I seldom looked up but when I did, I saw eyes of empathy and understanding.  As I shared our situation and what has become our life, my daughter held my hand, giving me an occasional squeeze in support.  Through the touch of her tiny hand, I could feel her empowering strength and perfectly innocent love. I knew SHE WAS THERE.  I realized she was there for me.  My whole intent of going was to be there as a support for her, yet the roles had quickly changed.  My initial reaction of course, was to shut off my crybaby waterworks and pull myself together, but I continued on, sharing our story.  I realized that I needed to let her be there for me in this moment.  Not only did I need this, but she needed it.  She needed to see me not just as her mother, but as Janni, a person that too has been affected by this situation.  I began to share more of my story and less of our story, a story that unexpectedly yet apparently needed sharing.


I am truly beyond blessed to have my daughter.  She is the perfect balance of everything... boundaries yet hope, tears yet faith, strength yet heart.  Thank you for being my strength tonight.  I love you!

"The greatest weakness of all weaknesses is to fear too much to appear weak."

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. 

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."

Good Night

Tonight was a good night.  After an evening of conversations over manicures, dinner and ice-cream, we crawled into my bed and listened to music together.  We didn't really talk, just enjoyed.  I looked over at my sweet girl with her eyes closed, her head bobbin' back and forth to the beats, a smile on her face... and I saw myself.

We've always bonded over music.  I love taking her to different local shows, seeing her enjoy it as much as I do.  Every genre is appreciated with us, listening to whatever fits our situation for the moment.  There have been times I haven't had the right words to comfort her and the only way I knew how to help was to put on a song that I felt she needed to hear.  My song for her has been "I'm There Too" by Michelle Featherstone.  I will never forget the story behind the first time I shared this song with her, but it's a special memory I like to keep to myself.

Tonight I showed her a few new songs that I hadn't shared with her yet.  She stopped in the middle of a song and said, "I love this.  I love listening to music with you.  These are the moments I will always remember, that I'll share with my kids when they ask about my favorite times with you".  It made me smile.  We started reminiscing over different songs and the memories that we've attached to them.  Like I said, it was a good night.

My Moment

There is one person that I rarely speak of, but this is a person I see everyday of my life.  I hear his laugh, I catch a glimpse of his eyes, I witness his "entertainer" character often.  I see this person... in my daughter.
Six years ago he began his journey on a different path... a path of abuse.  Drugs, alcohol, prescription medications, you name it.  Through his battle of addiction there were several long period gaps in the relationship between him and my daughter.  He would disappear then occasionally pop back in claiming to be clean, but I knew him.  I knew him clean and sober and I KNEW when he wasn't.  Incident after incident of putting our daughter in situations that I don't care to reminisce, I had no choice but to stop his visitations with her all together.  After another year of not seeing her, he took me to court.  He stood before our judge, sweating, squirming, stuttering, oozing of Meth.  Nonetheless pled his case.  Then it was my turn.  I naively assumed it was an open and shut case, figured I'd do the normal routine, give him a hug goodbye, tell him to be safe, wish him luck, then go home to my daughter.  Life as usual for us.  I waited for the judge to rule. I was told I would be turning my daughter over to him at 3pm that afternoon or I would be facing 30 days in jail!  Shock, disbelief and panic stormed through every pore of my body!  I couldn't speak.  After a moment I recovered enough to ask for an explanation.  She boldly stated that our initial court order allowed him state code visitations, her hands were tied. I was violating his rights.  Was this happening?  This woman had the power to find me in contempt of our court order if I didn't follow through with her ruling.  Tears came. I cried, I  pleaded with the her, but she didn't budge.  I knew she had seen it all.  To her I was no different then the typical jaded baby mama that was using our child to get back at him for whatever reason.  I was a docket on her calendar, just another case number, another file on her bench to get through.
I was terrified of the consequence.  Me in jail?  Away from my daughter.  I'd lose my job.  I'd lose everything we had.  My mind raced.  This wasn't happening.  I started plotting my plan, prioritizing what I needed to do once I got out of the court room.  I made my decision, I would agree to the visitation, get out of the courtroom, finalize my plan and deal with the consequences later.  The mother in me surfaced with force.  My tears turned to ice, my head lifted.  I remember taking the deepest breath just before I told her to take me to jail.  I vividly remember the look on her face.  Her eyes squinting with confusion, quickly turning to annoyance, as if I was a child challenging her.  We had what felt like an eternity stare-down, like a chess player, trying to figure out my motive of that move and what my next move was going to be.  I didn't have a next move.  I broke the silence, but I never let my eyes drop from her stare.  I blurted out "would you let him take your child"?  Silence.  I slowly saw the transformation in her eyes.   The no-bullshit judge melted into the woman she was, once the gavel was down and the black robe came off.  A Mother.  Was that enough?  Anxiety. Prayer. Plotting. Waiting. Answer me!!!  WAS IT ENOUGH???  It was.  In front of me was still a judge, but she was a mother as well.  She had a change of heart and allowed me two weeks to retain a lawyer to modify my court order.  Relief came. I thanked my Higher Power. I thanked the woman in front of me. I exhaled.
I followed through with what the judge ordered me.  Unfortunately he fell deeper.  His addiction turned to Heroin and it's coming up on another two years since he's seen our daughter.  As much as she wanted her father in her life, she refused to settle for a druggie dad.  She cut him out of her life, now goes by my last name, but never gave up hope for him.  I still kept in touch with him periodically, when he called, I answered.  I struggled with my role though.  What did God want me to do?  We are supposed to love everyone, not turn away those in need, right?  But where do you draw the line?  The line between supporting and enabling is a very thin and fragile line.  I wanted him better.  I'd do anything in my power to give my daughter her dad back.  I knew deep down I couldn't fix him, he needed help, but I couldn't disregard the "what if this time it's different" hope I still held on to.  With each failed attempt to get clean, my hope for him dwindled, he began to give up on himself as well and he fell lower than any human should have to witness another fall.  I set new boundaries, found peace with them.  He continued to check-in with me every so often, but each call left me broken, knowing he was at his end.  I knew I would soon receive the call that he was either dead or in jail.  That phone call came. 

It's been almost six months since that phone call and another stay in jail for him.  He was given the opportunity to do his time in a treatment facility setting.  His battle began.  I supported him as I could, we participated in requested tasks, but we knew that the first step in this treatment was not by his choice and we remained guarded.  I visited him and spoke with him weekly, I could hear the change and his progress, but I didn't trust it would continue once he was released from his sentence.  I began typing this post after receiving a package in the mail.  I knew who it was from before opening it, the return address gave it away.  Included was a long letter.  As I read it I questioned if someone else had written it, but I remembered this man.  I remember his thoughts.  I remembered his heart.  This was a man I once loved.  A man I once shared his last name.  I've missed him. I've longed for him.  Not in a romantic, hoping to revisit our past, as that ship has long sailed.  But just for a person I genuinely care for.  This was a man I desperately wanted for him to find his way back.  For himself...for his daughter.  As I finished the letter, I witnessed a changed man, a humbled heart, and a hopeful spirit.  A new, yet familiar man.
My normal self would usually refuse a smile or allow any feeling of this moment, in fear of another unhappy ending.  But in my new attempts towards progression... I'm allowing positivity.  Although I can't say I trust that he will continue on the path I hope for, I can say I am willing to allow myself to trust that this moment comes from a pure and genuine place.  I found myself in new territory.  What was I feeling?  It wasn't hope, it wasn't faith... just peace, contentment.  Regardless of the ending of this "story"... I am choosing today to allow happiness for THIS moment.
I am not the author of his story, I can't write what the final page will bring... but I am enthusiastic to continue reading his book.  Today I will stamp this page in my passport of life and remember my moment.

Uhm... ?!?!?

I just had to post today's horoscope... made me laugh after my post yesterday!!! January 6, 2011       The celestial configuration is encouraging you to take a tour through the murkier corners of your being in order to understand your attitudes toward relationships.  This is a rare opportunity to see certain patterns of behavior from a new perspective, and begin to analyze your motives for adopting them in the first place.  A new era is dawning in your ability to be open and genuine with others. www.yankee-j.blogspot.com

AFRAID

So I have typed and deleted for about an hour now! I'm new to this blogging thing and had no idea what to write. It's definitely an eye-opener realizing how uncomfortable and vulnerable I am expressing myself. I would say that I'm pretty open about most things in my life. I joke and express myself with friends on Facebook about my day, embarrassing moments, mom and daughter experiences, etc. I'm fine making people laugh, but when it comes to the "real" Janni, the one that is full of emotion, love, fears, insecurities, dreams, hopes, sadness and regrets, that side of me is only shared with and seen by a select few.

I questioned if that made me a fake person or just emotionally smart. I began to replay past experiences in my head, going back to different ages and time-lines, seeing the different faces of family, friends, lovers that have co-starred in my life movie. As I watched this film in my head, negativity began to creep in. I saw the lower points of my life, the mistakes, the betrayals, the trials, the heartaches, the chaos, the craziness.  My heart began to beat faster and I felt a rush of anxiety. Normally I would shut off this movie, flip the switch of emotion and distract myself with something else. But for some reason, I allowed my mind to continue on. As the images crept toward happy memories of the different faces that were no longer a part of my life, my knee-jerk reaction was to shut those memories off as well, and then it hit me. I haven't let myself visit the good moments I shared with each of these faces for a very long time. Why??? Because they didn't have the ending that I wanted??? I wondered why I hadn't kept the good memories with me and just let go of the bad, so I dug a little deeper. I came to understand that it has always been easier for me to delete people from my life, go on as if they never existed, becoming nothing but another random stranger on the street, than to pick what feelings and memories I want to keep, and which ones to let go.  I try not to harbor any negative feelings for people or situations, most times I have the "it is what it is" mentality to avoid building resentment.  But I would say that in each situation, I've tried to be mature enough to take the time to figure out why each person came into my life, what lesson could I learn from it and where my mistakes were in each experience.  Now this isn't the first time I've realized these things about myself, but I guess this time it hit me harder.  I see that it's become a repetitive realization. Before, I saw it as a flaw that I should work on, yet over time it's become a flaw that I have accepted about myself and in some ways expected others to accept it about me as well.  An "I am who I am, take it or leave it" mentality.  But when we quit working on ourselves, towards a better us, we quit progressing all together.

So why have I just accepted this about myself? When did I switch lanes from wanting to improve my flaw to merging it into my character of who I am?  I guess it began as my daughter became older, saw the ups and downs of our life.  I have always felt I needed to be my daughter's example and definition of a strong woman.  A woman that will run, walk, skip, or crawl through any situation and come out standing at the end, a survivor of any circumstance.  As much as I always tried to maintain a smile on my face for her, I tried harder to never let her see me cry.  She needed to see a strong mother, a happy mother, and if I couldn't be that at the moment, I was going to fake it 'til I made it.  I have spent so many years stuffing and hiding sad memories into my Pandora's Box because I was worried that if I let myself feel these painful emotions, I wouldn't be strong enough to recover. Not willing to risk it, I put on my emotional armor, my mask, and carried on.

Last night I allowed my "survivor" walls to come down for a moment and looked at myself in more depth than I ever have.  Now I don't know if all this is coming because of the typical "beginning of a new year" mentality, reflecting back at the previous year's failures, wanting to improve the year ahead of me.  Maybe it's just another point in life that I need to pause and regroup. Instead of accepting long standing flaws as current character, take the opportunity and the challenge to work toward improvement.  Maybe it's from coming across a file with some of my writings, poems, letters, thoughts, scribble that I have written over the years.  I can count on my right hand the number of people I have actually shared any of these with.  Of these people, I realized there is not one person that I have shared EVERYTHING with.  I pick and choose who sees what, which seems to be a pattern in my daily life.  I feel so vulnerable when it comes to emotions, and I allow very few to see.  I've spent so much time and energy guarding myself from those that are not in my chosen circle.  Guarded is how I've defined myself.  Protecting the emotional place I feel comfortable in, ready to challenge anything that threatens it.


I can't help but remember back to younger years, smile at how perfectly innocent my faith and trust in people was.  Although I wouldn't take back any of my experiences, good or bad, as each experience truly has made me who I am... beautifully flawed, wouldn't it be wonderful to feel that perfect innocence once again?

As it's a new year... I find myself optimistic and excited to explore, search, and find the Janni of 2011.  I believe this just might be the first step in my journey...